


In my dark times.

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [19]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Amputation, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellamy Blake - Freeform, Bellamy Blake Has Feelings, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, POV Bellamy Blake, Post-Mount Weather, Soft Bellamy Blake, Tender Bellamy Blake, read warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21563908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: Reader is badly injured during the events at Mount Weather, to the point where she needs to get her leg amputated. Dark times looming in the distance will make the process hard and test her relationship with everyone in camp, especially with Bellamy.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Kudos: 10





	In my dark times.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: a little talk about death and feeling suicidal and references to self-harm so please, if any of this is a trigger for you, DO NOT read this one, just go back to the last fluffy thing I uploaded, please. And stay safe and take care of yourself.

**YOUR POV**

I was in so much pain and I just couldn't figure out why. I wasn't the only one that had been drilled halfway, so why was I in excruciating pain and the rest weren't? Don't get me wrong, I was glad Raven was okay but I needed to know what was happening to me. We were finally back in camp and I had been carried to Medical in a hurry, Jackson, and Abby starting to check my wounds as Bellamy stood next to me. My worst thoughts and nightmares came to life as soon as I saw Abby's apologetic face looking up at me. Something was really wrong. I sighed, closing my eyes for a second.

\- "What is it?" –I finally asked her- "I need to know."

\- "Your wound is infected." –Abby announced like that was, somehow, supposed to make perfect sense to me.

\- "We'll get her antibiotics and she'll be fine, right? Sewing her leg up and ready to go, then." –Bellamy looked much more relaxed than I felt after Abby spoke; he looked down at me with a smile on his face and, for a second, I thought everything was going to be okay.

\- "Not exactly."

\- "Out with it, Abby, I'm in so much pain I could start crying right now."

\- "When they drilled your leg, the wound wasn't clean, and it was lower on your leg than it was supposed to be. This has caused severe tissue and nerve damage alongside with an infection for which we don't have the proper antibiotics to use."

\- "We'll get them." –Bellamy was quick to intercede.

\- "There's no time."

\- "Does that mean I'm... dying?"

\- "No, but you have to make a decision."

I felt the tears in my face, both from pain and rage as Abby answered me. I hated what had happened to me, I hated that this had only happened to me. I hated my life at the moment. And I knew exactly what decision Abby was talking about: my leg or risk my life. I didn't need her speaking my options out loud, it was easy to come to that conclusion myself just by looking at her. _My leg... what am I going to do without my leg? But..._ I moved my eyes to Bellamy's hand in mine as he spoke with Abby. I realized I wasn't ready to die, not at that second anyway; we had just gotten out friends back and we were at peace with the Grounders now; I wanted to see that new world and, even without a leg, I still wanted to be a part of it. _I mean, Raven can't use her leg either and she's the strongest and most important person in this camp. I'm sure I'll be fine..._

\- "Do it." –I looked up at Abby, regaining her attention- "If it's the only way... I'm not ready to die." –she nodded, squeezing my hand- "I don't want to die."

\- "Hey, hey." –Bellamy stood next to me, running his hand through my hair- "You're not dying, you're going to be okay. I promise."

**\----------------------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

I couldn't believe this was happening, I couldn't believe I had failed her this hard. Abby took me to the other side of the room, leaving Y/N with Jackson after she spoke with a steady voice, asking Abby to do what needed to be done.

\- "Isn't there another solution?" –I questioned, more so, pleaded Abby- "There has to be another way! I..." –I was so devastated, I couldn't even find the words.

\- "You've heard her." –Abby squeezed my shoulder- "She knows there's no other way, the infection would spread to the rest of her body and without the right medication... she'd die." –she turned around to look at Y/N but I couldn't, this was my fault if I had pulled that lever faster...- "You should go."

\- "There has to be some other way, Abby, please!"

\- "You have to be strong for her." –she walked me to the door- "She's acting tough now, but it all could go south after the operation is done and she sees the wound. She's going to need someone. And that someone is you."

I walked out of there with Abby's words in my mind, going over them over and over and over until my head hurt. _How can I be strong? How can I tell her it's going to be okay if I don't even know myself what could happen to us tomorrow? She loves coming hunting with me, and getting in the water and running and moving and..._ The tears started pouring down my face as I covered it with my hands. _I should have been faster. I failed her._ I had seen Raven breaking down when she came out of Medical after they discovered she had no feeling of her lower leg but she still had the leg which I knew had to count for something. I also knew, as Abby explained, it had to be done or her life would be at risk and that was something I couldn't even begin to process; losing Y/N would have been the end of me. And I knew thinking like that was selfish for it was her on that table, it was her losing a part of herself forever, clinging onto life with all she had. And I loved her for that. And I wished I'd be able to help her get through it.

**\------------------**

**YOUR POV**

Waking up from the operation had been an absolute nightmare, I was in such a massive level of pain, not even the medication Abby put me on worked; it was worse than when I still had the leg and that led me into a spiral of regret, mourning, anger, and sadness that seemed to never end. I didn't want to see anyone, having to stay at Medical for a week because everything felt horrible. I didn't even want to look down, and I refused to do so until there was no way around it, being forced to land eyes on it as I sat down on the bed to get out of Medical. I started crying again, I couldn't comprehend why my brain still played me like that, telling me that my leg itched or burned when it was crystal clear that there was nothing there. Jackson stayed all day with me, helping me get used to the crutches and offering me as much support as I was able to accept.

The next two weeks were a void of darkness to me. Just being able to hear people walking around, doing things on their own and being useful? It irked me so I refused to leave the room. I didn't understand why Bellamy was still by my side, I mean, he surely must have felt at least distraught by both my presence and behavior. But, it didn't matter how much I yelled at him or any other shit I pulled, he stood there through it; he talked to me, even when I faked being asleep, trying to ease my thoughts, trying to make me feel better, reminding me that he loved me and wouldn't leave me behind. I hated that he was so nice and loving towards me when I clearly deserved the exact opposite right now. I loved him with all I had but I couldn't help the anger and jealousy coursing through my veins as I heard him moving around the room on his own two legs. I wanted to rip my skin off every time I heard steps outside the room, the marks on my forearms increased as the days went by, almost unaware I was making those to myself. _Why did this happen to me?_

**\--------------------------**

**BELLAMY'S POV**

It had been a couple weeks since Y/N's operation and there hadn't been a day I wasn't worried sick about her mental health. I didn't see her around camp so I got on the guard post to get a high perspective of camp and the surroundings, trying to see if I could catch a glimpse of her. She had been expending a lot of time alone, which I knew was good because she needed time to process it but it also worried me because I didn't know what was going on in her head. Finally, I saw her out of camp, sitting alone on a rock that looked into the lake. I should have known; she had been expending a lot of time there, it was quiet and calm, away from the people and close to the water, which I knew she loved. I moved quickly out of the guard's spot, opening the door and walking outside fast, but not running, and slowing down my pace as I got closer to her not wanting to scare her. She heard me coming, straightening her back but not looking at me so I simply sat on the grass next to her in silence, waiting for her to speak, to let me in. I knew the first step to get past a traumatic event was accepting it and talking about it. I hoped she was there and that I'd be the one she wanted to talk to.

\- "I'm starting to regret it. I mean, 'starting' may not be the correct word, anyway." –she mumbled after some time, looking to the lake; I couldn't move my eyes from her, seeing the tears starting to run down her face- "Maybe being dead would be easier. I should just jump into the lake or make my way to the woods and lay on the floor and wait for the panthers..."

\- "Don't say that, please."

\- "I mean it." –she sniffled, rubbing her nose- "I'm useless now! I... I can't do anything because, if I want to move around, I have to do it with these stupid things so I can't use my hands either! I wish I had died in that table..."

\- "Y/N."

\- "No. What's the point of being alive if I need assistance for every single little thing? That's not living." –she cut me off completely, her voice was shaky as she took a deep breath- "I don't wanna hear it. I'm tired of the pity in everyone's eyes and their voices, I don't need that from you too."

She stood up, almost losing her balance for a second but refusing to let me help her, asking me not to follow her as she started moving back inside camp. It broke my heart, I felt it crush into pieces as I watched her go, the tears forming in my eyes not knowing what to do. Y/N was so strong, she had been since I met her when we landed, but this was crushing her and I had to help her, even if she yelled at me and threw a tantrum each time she saw me. I stood out there, watching the sun go down and disappear behind the trees, thinking and crying, remembering everything I had done with her because I knew she thought of it too, thinking she'd never be able to go out of camp again.

\- "Hey."

A voice startled me from behind, turning around to see Raven with a knowing smile on her face. I wiped my tears, focusing my eyes back on the water. Raven sat beside me, where Y/N had previously been; we stood in silence for a while and, for some reason, I found comfort in her being there too. I knew she had been talking with Y/N, trying to show her there was a world after losing a leg, but Y/N kept reminding her she could still stand and walk and use her hands at the same time. She wasn't wrong.

\- "She's not getting better, is she?"

\- "I'm losing her, Raven; she's losing herself and I'm so afraid." –I confessed, the weight of the world on my shoulders was a way too heavy burden to carry on my own- "She's..." –I didn't want to say suicidal because that was pretty strong word- "She's talking about death a lot and her arms..." -I looked at her- "I'm terrified."

Raven and I spent the next hour talking about Y/N; I was glad she was there for her too, for I knew she'd manage to comprehend her better and maybe help her like I couldn't. We both ended up agreeing that the best way to help her was listening to her and not forcing her to do what she didn't want to do. As Raven rose from the ground beside me, I couldn't help but stare at her leg. _Maybe..._

\- "I know this is a long shot." –I stood up next to her- "But, mmm..."

\- "I'm a mechanic, nothing is impossible for me." –she chuckled as she followed my gaze- "We could try something. I'll talk with Sinclair in the morning and we'll see if we could make something for her, although it's a bit early to try it on."

\- "Thank you."

\- "Go with her."

I nodded, patting her back as I run inside the camp, knowing Y/N would have gone directly to our room, finding her there, crawled under the sheets of the bed and hugging her legs. She looked so innocent and fragile, I'd have assumed she was asleep if it weren't for the quiet sobs and the eventual shaking of shoulders as she cried. I took off my boots and jacket, crawling into bed with her, kissing her shoulder and wrapping my arms around her.

\- "I'm sorry I lashed out on you earlier." –she squeezed my hand as I hid my face on her neck- "I know I shouldn't have."

\- "It's okay." –I kissed her neck- "I know this isn't easy but I want you to know I'm here to listen and do whatever I can and..."

\- "I'm just so angry. I don't want to be a burden to you."

\- "Y/N, I love you." –I moved from beside her, jumping over her to lay just in front of her- "You could never be a burden to me."

\- "But... my leg." –she sniffled as I caressed her face- "I can still feel it sometimes..."

She hid her face on my chest and started crying as I wrapped my arms around her. I desperately wanted to take that pain and anguish away from her but I couldn't. I wished I had been the one on the table. I kissed her head, rubbing her back, holding her as she let it all out. I held her tighter, whispering sweet nothings into her ear until she started to calm down, her cries eventually dying out with the shaking, but she still held tightly onto me.

\- "We're going to get through this, okay?" –I murmured, feeling her nod against my chest- "I'm going to be with you every..." –I gulped as I realized what I was going to say, trying to find another way to put it.

\- "You can say 'step', Bellamy. I still have one good leg to do that." –she chuckled softly- "It's okay."

\- "I'm so sorry, Y/N."

\- "It's not your fault."

I looked down at her as she rose her head to look at me, her eyes were puffy and red but the smile on her lips was so pure... _We'll get through this._ I lowered my face as she closed her eyes, leaning in to kiss me gently, moving one of her hands to my face and running her thumb over my cheek.

\- "Thank you." –she whispered as we broke apart- "For not giving up on me."

\- "I never will."

\- "I love you."

**\------------------**

**YOUR POV**

It had been a hard 6 weeks, having to relearn how to do almost everything but with the help of Abby through the rehabilitation process everything had been much easier. Bellamy had been with me every step of the way and I would be lying if I said he hadn't been a major pivot in my recovery. I knew he had been working with Raven and Sinclair on something but I wasn't 100% sure what it was, but it made him happy so who was I to argue with that? I had also been training my body with both Lincoln and Raven for Lincoln knew a lot about training and, well, Raven had lost feeling on the lower part of her leg, so she knew how I felt most of the time. By the eight-week mark, I was stronger than I had been before, able to stand completely in my good leg and even able to just use one crutch to move around. Life was starting to look brighter for me.

\- "Hey." –Bellamy waved at me as I made it out of the ship, covering my eyes with my hand to see him with the sun.

\- "This sun? Unnecessary." –I chuckled as he stood in front of me.

\- "Yeah, my life is bright enough just with you." –he smirked down at me, gaining a punch on the chest from me- "Ouch."

He took my chin on his hand and pulled my face up to kiss me, his arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me flush against him as I kissed him back.

\- "What were you up to?" –he smiled as he moved back, but not letting go of me.

\- "Just finished my daily training with Lincoln."

\- "Well, that explains the sweat and the smell."

\- "You're an idiot." –I laughed pushing him back- "You don't think I keep this body up just by jumping around, do you?"

\- "I'm really proud of you."

\- "Glad to hear that." –I stuck my tongue out at him as he shook his head, moving to stand beside me and taking my free hand in his, starting to pull me with him.

\- "Where are we going?"

\- "I got a surprise for you." –he looked at me for a second- "I hope you'll like it."

\- "If it's yours, I'm certain I will."

\- "Remember that in a couple minutes."

He chuckled, squeezing my hand as we kept walking around camp. I had no idea what was going on but started to get a couple as Raven came out of exactly the place Bellamy and I were moving towards.

\- "I was starting to think you had left me hanging." –Raven looked at Bellamy before addressing me- "Girl, you look good."

\- "See." –I punched Bellamy on the upper arm- "That's what you have to say when you see me."

\- "That's what I said!" –he eyed me up and down.

\- "No." –I tried to hold back my laugh- "You pointed out my sweat and smell."

\- "Remind me why you are still together?" –Raven asked me as she crossed her arms over her chest.

\- "Because I'm irresistible." –Bellamy answered cockily, tilting his head to look at me.

\- "Because I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him." –I rose a self-satisfied eyebrow at him.

\- "I agree with that." –he answered before kissing me.

\- "I'm not here for this show." –Raven moved her hands in between us- "Follow me, lovebirds."

\- "After you." –Bellamy moved his hand in front of him.

\- "Adorable."

I walked after Raven inside her workshop/ messy mechanic construction habitat. I hadn't been in there since before Mount Weather and it was messier than I remembered it but, somehow, it screamed Raven everywhere you looked; dozens of projects started and that I was sure she'd end because that was Raven we were talking about, thousands of containers with the weirdest looking pieces I had ever seen and then, something that really called my attention: a table with a piece of fabric covering what was underneath. Raven walked to the other side of said table and pointed for me to stand just in front of her, Bellamy standing next to me.

\- "Alright, what's with this much mystery." –I eyed her, resting my crutch against the table and placing my hands over it- "What did you build now?"

\- "I got some help this time." –she pointed at Bellamy with her eyes- "Apart from Sinclair, obviously."

\- "Are you trying to become a mechanic now?" –I turned my face to Bellamy- "I mean, cool, you know? But very unexpected."

\- "Bellamy? A mechanic?" –Raven started laughing- "Please, Y/N, focus. He helped me with the design and some other minor stuff."

\- "Minor?" –Bellamy scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest- "Sure."

\- "Can I see what's underneath already?" –I moved my hands to the fabric- "The suspense is killing me."

\- "Alright." –Raven smiled- "Close your eyes."

\- "Really?" –now it was me scoffing and crossing my arms- "How old are we? Five?"

Bellamy shook his head, moving to stand behind me and placing his hands over my eyes saying he didn't trust me. I pretended to be annoyed but agreed nonetheless, hearing the fabric drop to the floor and Bellamy's hands move from my face. I opened my eyes absolutely taken aback by what I saw; I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that: a prosthetic leg. It was beautiful and I could tell by the design they had been working on this for weeks. I couldn't tear my eyes from the slick design in front of me, thinking how lucky I was to have such amazing people in my life that cared so much about me that they even went out of their way to make sure I could have two legs again.

\- "Hey, if you don't like it it's okay, this is just a prototype and..." –Raven started talking, aware before I was myself that I was crying.

\- "I love it."

I mumbled in between sobs as I motioned for her to come to me to hug her, crying in her arms as she smiled. She hugged me tight to her, rubbing my back before moving back and cleaning a tear falling down her cheek as I turned my face around to look at Bellamy.

\- "You're the best." –I smiled, rubbing my face.

\- "It was all Raven."

\- "Lies." –she whispered behind me.

I jumped into Bellamy's arms, who wasted not a single second to wrap his arms around me. I started crying again into his neck, holding onto his shirt like my life depended on it.

\- "Y/N, stop, I'm going to cry too!" –I heard Raven sniffling behind me.

\- "I'm just so happy." –I chuckled in between tears as Bellamy sat me on the table- "I don't deserve you, guys."

\- "You deserve everything in the world." –Bellamy stood in between my legs, taking my face in his hands and rubbing my cheeks- "I'd gift you the stars if I could."

\- "I'm feeling so single, right now." –Raven smiled as she stood next to Bellamy.

\- "Come here." –I took her hand in mine, pulling her to me- "There's room for you in this relationship."

I engulfed them in a hug. I loved them, and I would never be able to thank them enough for what they had done for me since we met. They were family.

\- "Alright." –Raven pulled back, wiping her face and clearing her throat- "Enough sentimentalism. Wanna try it on?"

\- "Please."

I was so nervous yet so excited I was shaking. Bellamy took my hand in his, standing to the side as Raven motioned him to move and let her work. I chuckled, looking back at how much they didn't get along at the beginning and how much their friendship had evolved. The three of us had changed a lot since we landed and I was certainly glad I had them with me. I watched Raven put it on me after putting two pairs of shocks over the already covered stump, tying a couple belts around it to tighten the grip and constantly checking on me before she showed me another belt.

\- "Alright so, this one will attach down here to this other belt." –she pointed at the one around the prosthetic as I nodded- "And then we wrap it around your waist." –she showed me the other part- "I'm thinking we could do some vacuum type of attachment, but first I need to know it fits perfectly and it doesn't hurt you."

\- "You're a genius." –I chuckled, seeing all the designs as she pointed at a couple papers on the other table in front of us.

\- "I know." –she shrugged her shoulders- "Now, very slowly, try standing up without putting much pressure over the prosthetic and we'll start working on it."

I nodded, taking a deep breath as Bellamy stood now in front of me, offering me both his hands to stand from the table. I followed Raven's instructions, looking into Bellamy's eyes as I stood, feeling calmer just by doing so. Once I was standing still, Raven wrapped the final belt around my waist and tightened it before moving back and checking everything was into position.

\- "Huh, pretty impressive if I say so myself." –I looked at her as she looked at me up and down, rubbing her chin as she nodded- "Amazing." –she clapped once- "Alright, people! Let's do this."

Raven cleared a path in the room and stood in front of me, asking Bellamy to walk behind me in case I lose balance and fell backward. It felt so weird, having something attached to my leg that I knew was there but couldn't feel but that I had to trust would hold me up. Raven explained how I needed to move my leg to get used to actually having one again, to make sure I didn't trip over it. She took my hands in hers and took a step back, asking me to place the prosthetic forward and then try to take a small step with my good leg. I won't lie, it was a whole process on its own: making sure the attachment didn't hurt my limb, that it was comfortable to move around and overall, learning to walk all over again. I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park, but I also knew I could do it; after all, this wasn't rocket science and, even if it was, I knew Raven and Bellamy would be with every real step of the way now.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember to leave me some feedback while I still got you; cause that's what? The best shit ever, exactly🥂


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